Shouldn't I feel differently today? Shouldn't I feel something special? I feel let down. This day has been coming for such a long time, and it feels like it just doesn't matter. I suppose I should be glad I don't feel upset to be getting older. I feel like I look pretty good for my age and my health is decent and I have a pretty good job and my daughter is a great kid and I live in a nice house in a good neighborhood. It isn't about all that middle age crap. It's about being special.
Today was/is my 40th. Lunch was wonderful at Granite City. My mother made a super cake decorated with chocolate covered strawberries--my favorite. My daughter individually wrapped all my presents so I would have things to open, not just gift bags.MIke got me a nice card and a gift certificate to Chicos. So sweet. Why isn't that enough for me? Why do I think I need more? Why can't I just be happy with all I have?
Sometimes I feel like I try to do all these little things to make people feel special, but somehow this birthday has taken me back in time to my 30th, when I had to plan my own birthday ski trip because the ding dong I was married to just didn't have a clue that he should put something together for us to do to celebrate.
Or back up to my 21st. We went to dinner with my parents, then he had to go to work so I ended up in a limo(he was the driver) being taken back home by probably midnight. No boisterous parties, or shots being given to me by strangers in a bar. No crazy antics that I could only wish to remember. Just boring. Another day.
I've never really cared much for my birthday because it always sucks. But I realize now that I've not had a party since I was a kid. Maybe I just want to be the one on the receiving end. I guess I wonder why no one ever thinks of me. Maybe someday.
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